DAMN THE COMPUTERS, FULL SPEED AHEAD!
Email direct from the help desk of my favorite printer concerning glitches I found in their software: If you desire to print from your printer’s front panel press F5. To change the prioritized font characteristics, add a macro decision command Ec&l#0 or §@(+), if you want to change from fonts type Cour 17.76/24 PC to Times 14, don’t forget to press ALT S then D.
CAUTION! Do not press ALT D ALT S first! All hell breaks loose, the whole system locks up. However, if you are successful press tab to “select-space” through the menu.
Aren’t they ingenious, and what sane person would have thought of pressing tab to go down? It goes along with the joker who chose command letter S for underline and V for subscript.
I guess it makes sense if you live in the Computer World. Press return, or F10 to get back where you were, (when you thought you were doing something simple).
Now make sure you press CTRL B to reform, cause you can’t find the dang reformat menu. If you don’t the stuff’ll print out in a Duke’s of Hazard mixture, looking like graffiti from a deranged gang.
Of course, to print you must remember to save your last changes, or else nothing happens, oh yes, it does tell you you’re stupid for trying to print before you saved.
I think a terrorist invented the whole mess. It’s a wonder the thing doesn’t say, “Are you ready to die?”
Anyway, if you’re trying to accomplish any of these or trying to work your spell checker while embedded in three layers of programs, you’re in for trouble.
It’s hard to envision life without computers, sharpening a pencil with your knife, cutting your finger, breaking the point when you first touch the paper, the eraser smudging instead of erasing, tearing your last sheet of paper while erasing your mistake; or in a different sphere, your fountain pen suddenly leaks on your hand, and you touched your white shirt before you noticed it?
True statement: if you have anything to do with a computer you’re in trouble. I swear, you cannot have a life, you are trapped trying to survive insanity before it happens. And besides, you know it’s going to happen, its going to drive you bananas when it crashes, it got you before when you thought it wouldn’t.
You ever paid some computer geek company to retrieve your data? They don’t come cheap. They are after getting you back for calling them names in school.
Okay, so you ordered the new updated software, VISTA and your old stuff won’t work with your new stuff ‘cause the XP geeky stuff in your old “has been” computer’s system doesn’t like your choice and they excluded the code that makes VISTA accept it as a plug and play thingy.
Now you’re on the phone for hours wading through the automatic telephone system only to end up with somebody’s voice mail who will never call or email the answer you need.
Finally you get that taken care of then your hard drive actually blows up and you have to install everything you hold near and dear to your new hard drive, taking three weeks to accomplish.
Then… a virus nobody heard of hits. Everything you ever thought about reading on your computer is infected with a trojan, some still in the cellophane packs you haven’t even opened. It even got your virus detection program that you forgot to isolate.
Then… the phone rings, it’s an old friend offering you a good job paying twice the money you ever dreamed of… but you gotta do it now.
Then… the desk-top printing job of the century came through the door, made to order, just for you. So there’s no choice, you gotta accept it. Now you’re really hoppin’, no time to spare. Nothing but scrambled eggs fer brains and Shine-ola fer output, all the while, knowing you just gave up your last big chance for success. The job you turned down which was only 8 hours a day, three weeks vacation, with a reserved parking space, and a free mid-bay bridge pass.
Damn these computers anyway! Full speed ahead printing from the background and triple by-pass embedded Window programs up the anode awayyyyy….?!!?
Whatever happened to only working 8-hours? You know an honest days work for an honest days pay, why am I standing here? Everybody knows a watched printer won’t print!
So what’s next?