DAMN THE COMPUTERS, FULL SPEED AHEAD!

DAMN THE COMPUTERS, FULL SPEED AHEAD!

Email direct from the help desk of my favorite printer concerning glitches I found in their software: If you desire to print from your printer’s front panel press F5. To change the prioritized font characteristics, add a macro decision command Ec&l#0 or §@(+), if you want to change from fonts type Cour 17.76/24 PC to Times 14, don’t forget to press ALT S then D.

CAUTION! Do not press ALT D ALT S first! All hell breaks loose, the whole system locks up. However, if you are successful press tab to “select-space” through the menu.

Aren’t they ingenious, and what sane person would have thought of pressing tab to go down? It goes along with the joker who chose command letter S for underline and V for subscript.

I guess it makes sense if you live in the Computer World. Press return, or F10 to get back where you were, (when you thought you were doing something simple).

Now make sure you press CTRL B to reform, cause you can’t find the dang reformat menu. If you don’t the stuff’ll print out in a Duke’s of Hazard mixture, looking like graffiti from a deranged gang.

Of course, to print you must remember to save your last changes, or else nothing happens, oh yes, it does tell you you’re stupid for trying to print before you saved.

I think a terrorist invented the whole mess. It’s a wonder the thing doesn’t say, “Are you ready to die?”

Anyway, if you’re trying to accomplish any of these or trying to work your spell checker while embedded in three layers of programs, you’re in for trouble.
It’s hard to envision life without computers, sharpening a pencil with your knife, cutting your finger, breaking the point when you first touch the paper, the eraser smudging instead of erasing, tearing your last sheet of paper while erasing your mistake; or in a different sphere, your fountain pen suddenly leaks on your hand, and you touched your white shirt before you noticed it?
True statement: if you have anything to do with a computer you’re in trouble. I swear, you cannot have a life, you are trapped trying to survive insanity before it happens. And besides, you know it’s going to happen, its going to drive you bananas when it crashes, it got you before when you thought it wouldn’t.

You ever paid some computer geek company to retrieve your data? They don’t come cheap. They are after getting you back for calling them names in school.
Okay, so you ordered the new updated software, VISTA and your old stuff won’t work with your new stuff ‘cause the XP geeky stuff in your old “has been” computer’s system doesn’t like your choice and they excluded the code that makes VISTA accept it as a plug and play thingy.

Now you’re on the phone for hours wading through the automatic telephone system only to end up with somebody’s voice mail who will never call or email the answer you need.

Finally you get that taken care of then your hard drive actually blows up and you have to install everything you hold near and dear to your new hard drive, taking three weeks to accomplish.

Then… a virus nobody heard of hits. Everything you ever thought about reading on your computer is infected with a trojan, some still in the cellophane packs you haven’t even opened. It even got your virus detection program that you forgot to isolate.

Then… the phone rings, it’s an old friend offering you a good job paying twice the money you ever dreamed of… but you gotta do it now.

Then… the desk-top printing job of the century came through the door, made to order, just for you. So there’s no choice, you gotta accept it. Now you’re really hoppin’, no time to spare. Nothing but scrambled eggs fer brains and Shine-ola fer output, all the while, knowing you just gave up your last big chance for success. The job you turned down which was only 8 hours a day, three weeks vacation, with a reserved parking space, and a free mid-bay bridge pass.

Damn these computers anyway! Full speed ahead printing from the background and triple by-pass embedded Window programs up the anode awayyyyy….?!!?

Whatever happened to only working 8-hours? You know an honest days work for an honest days pay, why am I standing here? Everybody knows a watched printer won’t print!

So what’s next?
robbierogers@robbierogers.com

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Robbie L. Rogers’ Cars

What’s it worth to drive a car in America? Okay, okay, I admit it. I drive a Corvette. Oh, okay it is my wife’s. I bought it for her when she was in Dallas as a surprise and boy was she. Yet everything that is her’s is mine and backat‘cha. Then too it is 15 years old. What’s nice about a ‘vette is people think it is brand new even when it isn’t.

Here’s the thing, I just got back from the shop what fixes car things, spending almost $600 dollars on tire pressure sensors. The government mandated car manufacturers to force such things on us unsuspecting putts who think its great not to check the tire pressure. None of us are smart enough to keep our tires properly inflated so we get both better milage and longer lasting tires to boot, or so the story goes.

The milage indicator shows 110,036 miles on our nearly new ‘vette so theoretically that means I saved about $1,500 for the fifteen years of driving.

Hey that’s pretty good you say! Yet taking the $600 that it cost me to maintain this truly great government mandated privilege leaves saving me $900 over fifteen years time. That comes to $60 saving per year. Wow! Thanks government.

Then there is the Ethanol in my gas. This additive generally cause a loss of 10-15% of my miles per gallon for the privilege of using corn in my tank instead of drinking it. That cost $2,500 over the fifteen years. So that cost me $165 each year to subsidize the corn farmer.

Taking the savings from the cost leaves me losing $105 each year to satisfy the government for driving a car. Unfortunately we have two vehicles so for the sake of shortening this story, it costs. My wife and me about $220 a year for their folly.

Oops what about all the gee-wiz sensors that give me better millage? Truth be told we get the same miles per gallon on our cars than we did before the government got involved, yet over the same time frame I have replaced about $1,500 worth of sensors, again mandated by the government. Add that over fifteen years and you have a cost of about $320 a year. Hey, that’s not so bad for the privilege of driving in this country.

What about the taxes I spent per gallon and the tags and the sales tax to start with? I don’t know maybe $3,000, that’s about $200 a year added to the other which makes it a little over $500 a year. Insurance cost me about $1,500 per year, depreciation adds about $1,600 a year cost which means I drive in style in a fifteen year old ‘vette and an old van losing a little less than about $4,000 a year.

Oops, what about the cost of gas per year? Maybe $1,500. So that comes to about $5,500 a year and all of this on vehicles over fifteen years old.

Maybe living in the old folks villages and riding a bike or walking to the bus stop is not so bad after all. At least the government would be off my back, right?

I don’t know but it is something to think about, but we love tooling around in our little red ‘vette convertible looking like young at heart old people.

Stop it all you math whizzs! I know you are already trying to figure out if I’m right. Don’t write me a letter telling me how bad it was that I calculated the whole consternation wrong. The point is it cost us all a lot of money a year to be a mobile society.

So what’s next?

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The Cows Are Coming Home

Speaking of existentialism extensions… my latest book’s still pending a rejection slip from my pending publisher. Maybe I need an agent?!! But then, maybe I need a real job?!!

Did you ever read about the Clipper Chip? It’s been around for awhile now, about 15 years or so. Done a lot of snooping unbeknownst to most. In the words of Nancy Pelosi the number-one bag-lady of DC, besides Hillary Clinton the world’s greatest fan of George Orwell’s 1984, “Man them bugs are great.” I swear they said it Along those same lines Phil Zimmerman, a programmer, wanted no part of the clipper part they have been installing in our telephones, modems and all manner of electronic stuffs.

The so called, Clipper Chip, allows those “given the right” to snoop in on our business when we least expect it. Hey, I actually saw it happen during a show on TV. That means it’s really true. They listened to this guys heartbeat and figured out where he was by using GPS all while his cell phone was off.

Phil Z wrote a program he calls “Phil’s PGP.” PGP, stands or “Pretty Good privacy.” Novel huh? The program runs on just about anyone’s computer, it scrambles what comes out so the National Security Agency can’t figure it out. They, NSA… given a copy, thought PGP was great, until the Justice Department targeted Phil in a three-year criminal investigation. Rebelliously Phil Z allowed anyone who wanted to, to download it. It was supposed to be NSA’s secret. How else could they keep tabs on our stuff, and what it is they want that’s still ours. PGP nonetheless became the most widely used encryption software in the world. Makes you proud. Hackers unite!

Clipper chip technology is supposedly built into everything, from your cable TV box to ATM machines, including your telephone, making it allow THEM to listen even while it’s hung up or turned off, and any encrypted device or program you use is supposed to be included in the super snooper system package.

Another thing, even your stupid walk-around phones can be listened in to by anyone with a simple digital receiver, tuned to the right channel. All you have to do is buy an off shelf scanner from an illegal spook center which would include the frequencies needed. Takes a spook to know a spook.

And, did you know you can walk up to within range of a neighbor’s portable phone and with your portable phone on the same channel, and dial long distance calls on his bill!?? If you know his frequency.

As a side bar, if he has the same TV you have you can walk over to his window and play havoc with his TV watching by pointing your remote through the window at his TV; that’s what friends are for.

Zounds! Where will it all end? If Hillary has her way… not `till the cows come home. She’s gonna be President ya know, over our dead body and unfortunately you know its true… what better thing to do than listen in on the whole worlds tea party line!

Who knows, we may be forced into talking like they do in Washington to keep anybody from knowing what we’re talking about. You know Government no-speak stuff, full of acronyms and whosit stuff. That’s the way they talk in Washington, and other pork-barrel places. Guess NAS doesn’t have a patent on encrypted conversation… the whole DOD enterprise and Washington beltway bandits already speak it fluently.

Stuff like, as a resultant implication, primary interrelationships between system technologies must recognize the importance of other systems and the total system rationale.

So what’s next?

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Whoopteedoo National Health Care

So what do you think? Should we or shouldn’t we, have a National Health Care Program?

You got to remember that when you voted for president Obama we would end up with his version of the Medicare drug plan debacle exponentially worse.

Think about it, better join AARP now, no better not, who knows what we’ll end up with. I don’t know maybe we all ought to apply for illegal alien status. They get the best of both worlds… well sort of.

Did you know there are currently at least 12 – 15 million illegal aliens in this nation? And, illegal immigration costs taxpayers $10.5 Billion each year; 33% of America’s prison population are non-citizens, 36-42% of illegal aliens are on welfare. In Los Angeles: 95% of outstanding murder warrants are for illegal aliens.

So why is our friendly political system allowing this problem to exist? My considered opinion, to bolster our Social Security money intake. They have to do something to replace the 50 million or so babies we aborted.

Most of us worry about inflation though, generally running about 4.5 percent on the average until lately. Now they want to freeze your assets off. Obama says, nobody gets a raise until my popularity increases in the polls.

Seriously, the private sector yells and screams, saying the government can’t do anything right while the beltway beggars say we need more money to stoke our pork barrels.

As is the private health-care sector’s cost is passed on to the deep-pocketed patient (that’s us), raising the cost an average of 30-80 percent each year.

Whoopteedoo are we in trouble. How can the government screw us any worse… they’ll find a way… yet… somebody’s got to get some relief!!! We’re like the man sent up a tree to chase the Bobcat down so the dogs could get at it, but the darn thing jumped on us instead. “Somebody shoot quick,” someone said, “One of us has got to get some relief!!”

To get our minds off politicians, how about a research project that finally attacks the problem of what to do with our nuclear wastes. Yeah I know, something beside burying it under the Las Vegas Casinos where you lost your inheritance. I figure they could use household dryers because they make socks disappear. There must be a transonic deep-space time-warp tunnel hidden in each dryer. You can see me looking for it each week.

The director, some relative of Pelosi I think, should put chunks of nuclear waste into socks and set the timer to 40 minutes or so. That should do the trick.

Or maybe they could use Dilbert’s time travel machine; I think its great. Its hooked up to a big toilet and when you place the traveler in it they disappear with a swosh.

That’s what happened to my gold fish, I put him out of misery into a time warp. Who knows where he went… maybe with my other old gold fish pets that died, makes about as much sense as other suggestions I’ve read about recently.

So what’s next?

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Robbie L. Rogers’ Weakly Review”Who do they say you are?”

Robbie L. Rogers’ Weakly Review”Who do they say you are?”.

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Calling the Tail a Leg Doesn’t Make it a Leg

Calling the Tail a Leg Doesn’t Make it a Leg.

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Calling the Tail a Leg Doesn’t Make it a Leg

Well here we are again?  Nothin’ new and everything unworkable, that seems to be my motto; or was it Murphy’s?   I think Murphy’s best was, “Don’t mess with Mrs. Murphy”…  some say Murphy was a saint, some say a mother. I wonder if he wore combat boots?

I’m  having enough trouble finding out who I am and who is the smartest, me or my computer.  You know what they say about computers, the part about them being nothing but stupid machines with no sense but what man puts in, dumb as a light bulb.

I guess that leaves me with no alternative;  or as  someone about as smart as me said, “When all else fails, read the instructions.”

President Lincoln once asked during a trial, “How many legs would a dog have if you called its tail a leg”

“It would have five legs,” the witness replied.

“No,” replied Lincoln.  “Calling the tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.”

Speaking of truth, according NASA  the nights between 2029 and 2036 are when to watch to see if all hell breaks loose.  That’s when the equivalent of 100 million megaton of TNT might hit the fan.

Asteroid 99942, or Apophis, a 1,000 ft diameter asteroid might play a significant part in those who are left to see it whiz by, missing by a whisker. Maybe if you’ve got a good enough eyesight you can watch it coming.  Some say it might even punch a hole through the other side!!??

Who knows what will happen.  Russia is thinking about doing something stupid, like making it a target for missile practice.  They think that’s a good way to get rid of old IBM’s, no not computers… missiles.

It’s interesting to think about how much warning we have though.  Worrisome to asteroid watchers is the exceptionally close flyby on April 13, 2029. So close the space rock will be visible to the naked-eye .What can’t be ruled out at this time is that Apophis may pass through a gravitational “keyhole” – a spot that alters the asteroid’s trajectory as it zips by our blue ball and that might change its course and put it on the bee-line for rattling our cage seven years later.

They only knew about it in 2004, when they started looking for things that go bump in the night.  Now we really get to test the old saying what goes around comes around.

Wonder what we’ll see, a super hydro sulfide hurricane like on Jupiter, if it hits us?  It’ll take years to finish, one way or another.

Some say Apophis is comparable in size to the one that hit the blue ball and obliterated the dinosaurs. NASA, to comfort us, says it would not set off a global havoc, but it would generate a significant local or regional happening. Significant I guess!!!!

It’s highly unlikely it would hit… so they say.  How can they figure that?  They do admit there are at least a dozen more floating blips, each about the size of a football field, that could come home to roost, at least that’s all they know about or care to admit to.  They won’t do much damage though, only wipe out a few cities, or such. Still, if they hit the wrong spot maybe it might tilt our axis?  Maybe chicken little was right?

Speaking of fantasies or Fairy Tales, remember Jurassic park?  According to thems that be, the next one out will be using computer generated movie stars.  Guess who the sure bet is for the first model out… you guessed it, Marilyn Monroe.

Those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park looked real because we never saw one.  Guess that holds true for Marilyn in person too.  Yet  it won’t be the same I’m afraid. Even realistic talking heads or hands moving close up are not easy to mimic.  Still that doesn’t keep those with the money to spend from buying whatever comes out.  Look for it soon? Unless Apophis hits us before then. Still, just to be on the safe side, if the Jurassic IRS and its April 15th deadline is still in play, be on the safe side and have your income tax forms filled out early…  just don’t send them in until April 15, 2036.

So what’s next?  

 

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